L.J. shares the following reflection on Sunday's reading from the Gospel according to Luke:
What is humility? There are, at least, two kinds.
The other night I was trying to put my daughter, Amelia, to bed. Our routine is simple. First, we put on her pajamas. Then, we take turns flossing and brushing her teeth. Next, we each wash her face. Afterward, we get into bed and read a story or watch a show. Finally, we say prayers and kiss goodnight. Most nights it is that simple. The other night, however, was not most nights. After flossing her teeth, I tried to speed things up because it was really late. She was very tired and had to get to sleep pronto. At least, that was the thought pounding in my head. Almost immediately, she threw a tantrum because she wanted to brush and wash “all by herself.” Then came the screaming and the crying. I picked her up and put her in her bed. I said, “If you don’t listen to Daddy, you’ll have to take a time-out.” I was getting angry.
Fortunately, her mom swooped in and calmed her down. She held her and told me, “She’s just really tired.” Amelia then went to bed without any more crying. The whole incident made me feel like a terrible dad because I quickly realized I was forcing her through our routine faster than she could handle. When my wife came to the rescue, I felt worthless as a parent and incapable of doing anything right. Those negative feelings passed, but the insight into my haste and my need to get through our nighttime routine fast remained.
“Basically, humility is seeing yourself as you really are,” says the anonymous medieval English author of The Cloud of Unknowing. Then, he says there are two kinds of humility. The first is “being aware of your imperfections.” It is self-knowledge. My insight into my need to rush my daughter to bed is an example of self-knowledge. He says “self-awareness is a constant necessity.” Humility comes when we admit our faults and take responsibility for them. It can be humiliating to see one’s self honestly and truly. I felt some humiliation when I thought about my interactions with my daughter the other night. It is humiliating for the ego, however, and not for who we truly are in God’s eyes.
The other kind of humility, the anonymous author calls “perfect” and it is to trust in and experience God’s mercy. “Perfect humility comes when you experience God’s goodness and superabundant love.” God’s love is the absolute truth. To see ourselves in light of God’s mercy is to see ourselves as we really are. The author, however, does not want us to skip over self-knowledge to the experience of God’s mercy. He wants to us have both experiences. In fact, we can experience God’s mercy in the midst of our self-knowledge.
After seeing my inordinate need to rush through our bedtime routine, I repeated my prayer word. I came to a moment of stillness and surrendered to God, trusting that my stupidity would not impede God’s presence in my life. It seemed to work as I was able to let go of those negative emotions like worthlessness and shame and go about the night with some patience for my family and a clarified love. God had given me a taste of the divine mercy to move me past self-knowledge to love.
Both kinds of humility come by way of God’s grace. The difference, though, is vast. The first kind of humility keeps the focus on self. It is a necessary focus, at least so we can become honest about ourselves and see ourselves truly. It is only a small portion of humility, though. The greater truth about who we are is wrapped up in God. Therefore, the second and “perfect” kind of humility centers us on God. The tax collector in today’s parable begs God for mercy. He is aware of his own sinfulness, but keeps his focus on the divine mercy. That is real humility.
Jesus says “the one who humbles himself will be exalted.” Life humiliates whether or not we choose it. Jesus seems to be saying we would do well to lean into these humiliations. To be consciously aware in these moments and not deny self-knowledge is key. They are, in fact, great treasures because they are the moments when we can exercise the “perfect” humility and consciously choose to trust God’s mercy. To do so is to be humble and honest. In such a state, a divine exaltation comes quietly in the form of seeing God in our lives and of loving others as they are. Exaltation is freedom from the normal anxieties and heartaches of our human condition. It is an exaltation available to the humble.